After our 6th loss in August 2018, something significantly changed. The entirety of all our losses hit me like a ton of bricks. I was totally engulfed by grief. Its taken 9 years to really appreciate that I’ve been sinking lower and lower into a hole of deep despair after each miscarriage. I’d spent all these years believing that I would develop a thicker skin. I thought the more I went through miscarriages, somehow I’d become stronger and cope better. How wrong I’ve been.
I don’t recognise the person I am today. From a typically happy, optimist and humorous person to this downcast, serious and fragile shadow of myself. I hate how this has changed me for the worse. I know those around me; my closest family and friends can see that I’ve changed. Everyone just wants me to be OK, for the old Nyree to return and be happy and full of enthusiasm again. I get that but it’s just not that easy. I can’t just bounce back like I used to or pretend to. It’s finally caught up with me and I can’t keep up the pretence anymore. I’m totally floored. Now is the time that I need to face all my grief head on.
So, back to my original question, How will I know when to call it a day? I don’t. It scares me, my organised brain wants and desperately needs a plan. Others with similar experiences have said, I will know, the time will come - but will I? It just doesn’t feel I will ever get off this merry-go round. The truth is, I’m still not ready to give up yet but I also know that I can’t go on like this for years. For one, I’m getting old - 43 in June and two; for my own sanity, my husband’s sanity and for our beautiful son who is completely oblivious to our heartbreaking reality. I feel deep sadness that we can’t give him the sibling he so rightly deserves. I feel immense guilt for putting my husband and son through all this. I have robbed them and myself of years of genuine happiness whilst continuing down this dark path.
Saying this, I still have this desire to keep going. I sometimes think I’m crazy, why do I keep putting myself through this? Following our first two miscarriages, I came to a point where I didn’t know if I could do it again. We seriously considered stopping and accepting that it would be just us. We took a break from trying and 8 months later I found out we were expecting with our rainbow baby, our beautiful Joseph. If we’d given up, we would never had him. We can’t ever imagine our lives without Joseph. He is our everything. He is our miracle. He was worth all the waiting, pain and suffering and this is why I keep putting myself through this. In the hope of another miracle.
Written by Nyree
Not This Month
It’s another month of crushing disappointment. My period has started. My analysing starts, why weren’t we lucky this month? I took an ovulation test this month because my cycle has been out of sync since December due to stress. Technically our ovulation test should have given us a better chance this month, however, I should, of all people know better. I don’t generally do ovulation tests. I had a bad experience with them 2 years ago when It became an obsession. I fell pregnant after my first ever ovulation test, sadly we miscarried. When we started trying again, my initial thought was to start taking ovulation tests again. I was convinced these were magic tests and would guarantee a pregnancy. We tried for months and months and couldn’t get pregnant. I eventually got to end of my tether, so I chose to stop. When I accepted that I couldn’t control pregnancy with ovulation tests, we fell pregnant right away. Sadly, we went on to have another miscarriage. As they say, your damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The pregnancy journey is so very cruel at times.
I start thinking about all those additional supplements I’m taking to help with egg health, folate (a purer form of folic acid), vitamin D etc. They cost a small fortune. Are they just a bleeding (pardon the pun) waste of time? I’ve been taking them for months. In addition to these, I’ve had some progesterone to take on Day 21 of my cycle for a week. I’ve run out of this prescription now, so it won’t be made available to me again unless I fall pregnant. No pressure!
I’m thinking about my age again, this is thee biggest stressor for me at the moment. A private consultant pointed out that not a spring chicken anymore and my egg reserve was low (my Gynaecologist assured me it’s right for my age). This was when I was 40 and I’m nearing 43 now. Do I have any good eggs left in there!? Come on, tick tock, tick tock!
Today, it did also cross my mind, why does a woman always think it’s her fault? What if I’m in pretty good shape this month but it’s my husband who has let the side down!? I still think it’s easier to blame myself though. It’s my body and I’m the one who has miscarried 6 times after all.
Same time next month? I hope not! It does sadden me that lots of women go through this heartbreak and disappointment every month, some for years who have real issues conceiving naturally and through IVF. It’s easier said than done but I can’t go through this every month. On 10 March, it would have been my last pregnancy due date. I thought if I was pregnant again this month, it might have brought me some comfort.
Thinking of you Baby Mairs xxxxxx
Mind and Body Scotland clients share their personal stories with us: pregnancy, birth, life, death and more...
Real life is not fair, there are NO guarantees, bad things happen to good people. Women do lose precious babies and they deserve to be heard. They deserve continual support. Mums also deserve their stories to be heard AND acknowledged, sometimes their own memories are ALL they have to show and share.
Perhaps the rest of us need to become comfortable being uncomfortable around death, grief and loss. Our ancestors were, it was there before them in their homes, and not locked away inside other buildings.
Perhaps the grief, the loss, the death, could be acknowledged more AND parents could be 'treated' with greater sensitivity. Here we share, with permission, some of the stories from clients at Mind and Body Scotland.